I never can say goodbye - but sooner or later, one has to. The Hospice thinks I don't have very much time left. I'm going to fight it every inch, but still: I have to get ready to go.
I won't blog about the past few weeks in the Churchill, and then the Sobell. It's just medical stuff, and pretty dull. Let me focus on what I need to say.
I am at home tonight, and in theory am staying here until I absolutely must go back - but I don't know how well that's going to work. I may have to take this as overnight leave, and go back into the Sobell tomorrow. They're holding the bed for me for 24 hours, so that should be okay. I would much rather be at home, of course, but I am afraid of being out of contact of medical care.
Things would be easier if I had a Dongle and could take my netbook in with me. I miss my imaginary friends like you wouldn't believe.
Which leads me to the point of this post: to say that I love you all. I hope I shall not miss you, as I am no believer in any sort of conscious afterlife, but I hope that you will, as Christina Rossetti said, remember me - but without being too sad. I have had a blessed and lucky life, and this last year - the Year of the Crab - has (for all my whining about being bored) been wonderful. This is very greatly due to Judy. I couldn't ask for a better friend. Please take very good care of her for me.
I know I have not always been the best person I could be, and I'm sorry for that. I apologise for all the many times I have been whiny, needy, selfish, two-faced, ungrateful, hypocritical ... the list goes on. I haven't always been honest; I haven't always been truthful. I hope I have not hurt anybody too badly; if I have, I hope they can find it in their hearts to forgive me
This will be the last of these blogs, and I shall probably not see any comments, but if I can get any sort of internet access I shall keep in contact by Facebook for as long as possible.
I hope to see you there.
Land of hope and dreams
41 comments:
You will be missed, and remembered, and I hope that you will be well and happy for just as long as you can be.
<3
I will miss you and remember you with love. Go in peace, my lovely friend. xxx
You're a wonderful person, and the things that you're apologising for are just what make you human.
You're lucky to have a friend like Judy, and she's lucky to have a friend like you.
Em x
I'm really sorry that it has come to this. In the ten years I have known you, mainly online, I have found you to be a very witty person, in a sarcastic sort of way. You live up to the name "Hilary". You also come across as a very caring person. You will be remembered with affection, and missed. I wish you all the best. xxx
<3
your courage and humour through this whole mess is inspiring, and your commentary on the absurdities of life always informed and entertained me.
you will be greatly missed - I hope the end is peaceful and not drawn out
dine
You will be missed, so much.
ngaio
How does one reply to a post like this but with love? You are not and will not be forgotten and I'm only sorry we couldn't meet in 'reality' more often. I believe I'll see you someday though, and I'll believe it for both of us, ok? So much love Hilary xxxxx
Becca
xxx
Hilary I wish I'd know you better when we were both at Blackwells.You have faced this last year with courage and humour. I hope when your time comes it is as easy aa it can be.I will miss you. Luv & Hugs.
Sue Hayward xxx
You will be missed!
You will be missed, very much.
I've only ever known you online, yet I will miss you so. I read you for not near enough years and you touched my heart so often. Thank you for the all words.
Love Jacqui C.
Hilary,
Blogger ate my earlier comment, so I shall just say that it was lovely to have taken you to Hemmingford Greys a few years ago, and you are in my thoughts.
Matthew
I'm so sorry to read this, Hilary. You have been funny and brave throughout this whole horrible experience and you will always be in my thoughts. We have known each other for 10 years and I wish we'd done more theatre trips etc. I will miss you greatly and send all my love. I hope you get to read these comments and know how much you are loved. Don't apologise for being you! As someone else has already said, from another fandom we share, Nothing's forgotten, nothing is ever forgotten.
Go gently into the West, dear Hilary. Xxx
Love
Ali Carter xxx
Oh sweetie.... **hugs** I shall think of you often, and fondly. I'm glad that our paths crossed - even if it was only online. Much love, strength, and good thoughts.
I'm really sorry to read this. I know I only know you from the internet, but I have enjoyed reading your blog (despite the sad subject matter of late), and I will be thinking of you, and remembering you. And I hope that you won't be offended if I remember you in my prayers.
If you see this - just warm and gentle hugs. I hope you have peace.
Oh, bugger. *HUGS* I've only really known you online, but have read your posts with pleasure. Though, of course, this last one not so much...
Thinking of you, and hoping for as much time for you as possible. If I thought my (O2) dongle would get to you in any reasonable time, you'd be welcome to use it.
Just to add also that you've been on my mind a lot and I'll be thinking of you.
I am very glad to have known you - your intelligence, hilarious dry wit and honesty made your writings extraordinary, even before this last year. Your resilience and courage have helped me put my own difficulties into perspective so many times. Thank you.
Go in peace. You will be greatly missed by us all.
Rustica
I am grateful I was given the chance to meet you in person, and to be your friend. Thank you for all the smiles you have given me over the years. We all love you and admire your bravery and strength.
I wish you peace and joy.
-Heather
Hilary, I'm sorry to read this. You were my second ever friend on the internet, I believe, back in 2004, and I'm so grateful to have met you and known you all these years. Thank you for every kind word and Christmas card and laugh you've shared with me. I will miss you so much, and I hope the rest of the way is as easy as can be. All the love from me to you, dear.
Oh, Hilary, I will miss you greatly. I didn't always comment, but I nearly always read, and I enjoyed hearing about you and your life. I will always remember our friendship over Sports Night and Wee!Josh, and that you gave me a passcode to LJ, which opened up so much for me. I am grateful for *you*.
You are much loved. Let that carry you, dear.
Oh, hon.
I'm glad to at least hear that you're ready to go.
You will be much missed.
Much love and peace and thanks for all the beautiful insights, laughs, gripes, and Josh Charles squees. Every time I see him, or Sportsnight, I'll think of you.
OH, and listen to Bruce, or think about him, as I often do.
Hilary, my friend, it's been quite a ride. I will always remember you, always, and as requested, I will try not to be too sad while doing it. Love to you and Judy and all the rest. You made my world brighter. -Missy (freesnowcone)
Dear Anais
Good night - and may your god go with you.
Sue aka theficklepickle
You are, and always will be, beautiful and kind and funny and warm and alive to me. My heart and soul will always believe that one day when I turn a corner, everyone I love will pop out and yell "Surprise!" and the party will begin. I hope it's like that for you too.
Oh Hilary, I have been hoping so hard I'd never have to read that post. You have been inspirational to me this last year or so (I know you don't want to read that) and have weathered this bloody disease so gracefully. I think it's equally important to know how to let go gracefully, and while I wouldn't have the first idea how to do that, I somehow think you do. :-) Blessings on you and that your last time will be peaceful. I'll always remember our Rufus trips - if I ever see him again, you'll be there beside me, enjoying his sparkle and snark. All my love, lovely Hilary. Ellie xxx
I'm so sorry to read this. We don't know each other that well though we've been LJ friends a while. Your posts never failed to amuse me :)
Anyway, there's no way to really end this message. Just know that I'll think of you, definitely when listening to Bruce :)
Michelle x
Dear Hilary
It has been a pleasure to ‘virtually’ know you and I wish you well on your new journey. You have faced this with such bravery and humour and have supported so many other people along the way.
I have enjoyed your feisty writing and will miss you, my dear. Lots of love but no goodbyes... JuliaF XXX
Hi Hilary
I just wanted to say that although I did not know you as well as some I am very grateful for meeting you and for our 4 year friendship. You have been so supportive and loving and you are truly the most genuine person I have ever met. David and Ben send their love and Emma & Neko greet you with a lifted tail and a chirp :) We will miss you but keep the good times in our hearts. All our love - Rebecca, David & Ben xxx
I only knew you through Dreamwidth, but you have an amazing spirit. Rest, and have a safe journey, you will be missed and remembered.
I have always been a bit of a lurker in your life, and I regret that now, but you have been a lovely computer friend for many years now. I treasured your fic and your shared love for Josh Charles. You made me the most wonderful e-card when my older son was born.
The way you face difficult circumstances has been a model for me when things in my own life get hard. I will miss you terribly.
Oh, this is not what I wanted that LJ link to be (but I'm sure you wanted to write this post even less). Your humor, strength and bravery are a model of handling a terrible thing well and your beautifully written everythings have always been a joy to read. The world will lose such brilliance when it loses you.
Do not apologize for the things that make you human. No one can hold it against you for not being perfect.
I'll think of you whenever I get my Josh Charles fix and will raise a glass in your memory, though I do hope the latter won't be for a while.
I'd tell you to stay strong and keep fighting the good fight but it does not seem as though you need to be told to do such things. You are loved in all kinds of ways and admired by all kinds of folks, whether you know it or not.
Long-distance hugs,
Madeleine (tangerinedream)
You write so wonderfully well. I wish you peace and contentment. My thoughts are with you.
Oh I'm speechless...
I think about you everyday.
I will remember your wonderful heart and spirit.
And your writing of course
Bless you and lots of love
Nicole
Via Hilary's closest friend, Judith:-
Dear all
I regret to have to announce that Hilary died in her sleep this morning around 7 am. She died in the knowledge that she was much loved and still thinking more about her friends and family than herself. She was the best friend a girl could have, and I can’t begin to tell you how much I will miss her.
Rest peacefully Dear Hilary.
I hope you find some peace of
mind too Judy,you have been
such a wonderful friend.
Much love x
Annie P
Thanks Judy for letting us know...
I am devastated of course ...
You've ben such a great friend for her...
Lots of love.
Nicole
The web will be so much emptier without Hilary. Her writing was always brilliant, and her humor was sometimes wicked and sometimes just silly. Everything she wrote touched me in someway and I am sure others feel that way too. I wish so much I had her gift for writing, she would know just what to write here, I don't have the words.
Thank you Judy For letting everyone know. My thoughts will be with you and all the people who loved and will miss this amazing woman.
I will never see wee baby Josh or hear Bruce without thinking of you.
Vale Hilary.
Jacqui
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